X-Men: Apocalypse

WARNING: Don’t read on unless you want spoilers about X-Men: Apocalypse.

Hi. My name is Brittany and I just saw X-Men: Apocalypse. Figures that a movie with “apocalypse” in the title has the power to resurrect this blog. Because it was that good bad. Not even the Academy Awards happening could make me write a blog post. But at least Leo finally got his Oscar.

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So what did I think was wrong with X-Men: Apocalypse? A lot. This is basically going to be a giant brain dump of my thoughts. But let me start by saying I was really excited to see this movie. And then I saw reviews coming in and they were…. not great. But I still went to see it you guys!

  1. It was long.

For a movie that clocked in at 2 hours and 27 minutes, a whole lot of nothing happened. Apocalypse wakes up. We meet some “new” mutants (sort of). Charles gets taken and cries (a lot). There was a mediocre fight. End credits. There was really no plot development whatsoever! After seeing Civil War which was like, a perfect super hero movie, this didn’t stand a chance.

2. Poor Oscar Isaac

Oscar Isaac is a sweet, sweet, talented angel. Most of you probably know him as Poe in the new Star Wars film but watch him in Inside Llewyn Davis or Ex-Machina. The man can act. It was sad seeing him as Apocalypse, given shitty dialogue to work with but also a horrible make up and CGI job. Not to keep comparing this film to Civil War but after seeing the great job they did with The Vision in that movie and then watching this, it was like those bad Pinterest DIYs gone terribly wrong.

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3. Everyone was over it.

I was never a big fan of Jennifer Lawrence as Mystique but you can tell in this film she is like, so over it. She just looks bored while acting. She has the face of an actress in it that says “I signed on for a 6 year contract before I became an Oscar Winner Jennifer Lawrence”. And McAvoy and Fassbender, bless their souls. Everyone knows how much I love these two. And James really cries his little heart out. Really. Like 90% of his screen time he is crying and that’s all he really had to work with in this film. But if you want someone to cry in your movie cast McAvoy. And Fassbender. 2 time Oscar nominated Fassbender wasn’t given much better. If Magneto’s whole “my entire family was killed in the Holocaust” backstory wasn’t enough for you, they throw in a nice little family for him in this one and then have them murdered almost immediately which makes him scream dramatically into the sky “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT FROM ME?”. Was that really necessary?

We’ve seen the “is he bad? is he good?” Magneto thing before (literally every movie) and the so-called conflict resolution for him in this one was summed up pretty perfectly by this other blogger: “Can you guess what the turning point is in Apocalypse’s (yo: barely) apocalyptic battle? Yeah, you nailed it: Someone going up to cool, evil Magneto and saying, “You know what’s really cool? Friendship.”” I’m serious, you guys. That’s how it really goes down.

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My true reaction after watching this film

 

4. Olivia Munn as Psylocke

You probably know Olivia Munn. She was the token hot girl on G4’s Attack of the Show. She played Channing Tatum’s side chick in Magic Mike. And if your boyfriend goes on Reddit he probably thinks she’s really hot. When I first heard Olivia Munn was cast as Psylocke I was thought “Oh? That’s different…” and it was. But not in a good way. She looked so lost in front of the camera. Her final scene in the film actually made me squirm in my seat a bit. The “climax” fight of the film happens and she takes an awkward amount of time to slowly sneer at the mutants who won and then slowly….walks…..away….

5. Jubilee

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Why were you even in this film? Did anyone address you by name? I saw the actress on the press tour and she looked lost like she was wondering why she was there. I believe during one interview she apologized because she “blacked out for a minute”. Now it all makes sense.

6. Angel

Angel in X-Men: First Class vs. Angel in X-Men: Apocalypse. Enough said.

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Things I would have rather watched over this:

  • Apocalypse trying to get around Egypt for the first time
  • Apocalypse trying to do normal things like opening a bank account or doing laundry
  • Apocalypse at a concert
  • Nightcrawler going to the mall and buying clothes and having his first Orange Julius
  • Magneto baking bread for his family

This is the last film in this most recent trilogy. Either Marvel takes this back from Fox or they put the X-Men franchise to rest for a bit, get together and take a long hard look at what they did.

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